Oh my 2020, what did we do to deserve you? I guess plenty, but yikes. 2019 was a year that sucked, but what’s been happening this year eclipsed it to the point I can barely remember why I was happy to see it go. I just knew 2020 was going to be bad, not this bad, but bad.

I wanted to have a party to celebrate my 60th birthday. Not anything fancy, just get the family together for spaghetti and my favorite cake.  But that didn’t happen.  Instead I spent most of my time leading up to it taking my mom to choose her new assisted living apartment, and I was made very aware that some of my family probably wished I had never been born. One thing lead to another and I ended up living totally alone,  sometimes even stranded by a snowed in driveway for a few months. Then it was decided that my mom was coming  home and I had to leave. So I’m living in my trailer again. It’s not ideal, but my plan to live in a tent while I cleaned up the trailer didn’t work well. One of the things that was both good and bad about 2019 was I applied for SSDI benefits, and got them. Most people have to take the SSA to court to be approved,  but not me. I guess I’m in worse shape than I thought I was.  My  siblings decided my help wasn’t enough for my mom, and they probably were right. But in retrospect,  I really wish I had insisted they had given me more help rather than uproot my mom for six months. In the end she ended up breaking her hip and she’s  not really enjoying her home or anything anymore. But at least it didn’t happen on my watch.

2019 saw us lose several family members, and 2020 has taken more. Mom might stick around long enough to see 2021, but no is all that sure she will.

On a brighter note I am living in my house, I still have a bff,  and my ex husband insisted  I come stay with him and his wife if I get too cold this summer.  If I could bring my cat and not just my dog I might. The dog loves it at his house.

Yesterday my bff  and I took a day trip all the way to Vergas, and we had a fun day, even though the bar i wanted to eat at was packed with bingo players so we had to leave without the best burgers I’ve ever had.  We made up for it by stopping at KFC on the way home. But the scenery was lovely. And it was nice to get away for a few hours. If you can get to Billy’s bar in Vergas I highly recommend it.

I’ve written 472 words about how bad this year has been and not even mentioned Trump and coronavirus. Let’s just say we really messed up letting that guy in the White House.  I’m appalled so many people I love still like him. But I hope they get their hopes crushed badly this November. I really do. I’m tired of knowing how dumb people really are. Sorry if that’s offensive but I’m not the only one who is.

Transitioning

So on January 8th I was fired. I’d been late to work just too often. Fifteen years of working at the French fry factory was over. Middle of winter, check. Day before my birthday, check. No water or working septic system check. I’m going to be looking for work, probably I will have to take what I can get. I don’t want to leave my home, but I don’t think I’ll necessarily have much choice if I can’t find a job.

My mom is nearing end stage kidney failure, so there’s that change approaching. There have been some things settled but not everything.  Before Dad died the property was put in my brother’s name. I don’t know if the family will sell the place or if we can keep it intact for a couple of generations.

I think I wanted to be fired, I’m pretty sure of it actually. I was so bored with that place sometimes. So worn down there. So tired of the Trump supporters, not that there weren’t some who disliked him as much as I do. I’ll still be friends with some of these people, because this is a small town, but I’ll miss the way it was. Working in a company is a kind of bond that is hard to describe sometimes, it is kind of like a family, but there is a definite tension between labor and management. One thing I won’t miss is young people straight out of college being in charge of me. Some of them were decent about it but others treated me like I was just another piece of equipment. Like I was a bit slow , because obviously I was working with my hands doing menial labor. Work that anybody could do. Only everybody can’t do what I and my fellows did. Its not easy work and it is repetitive and boring, unless it isn’t. I’m sure there are people at the plant that will be better than I was, but I doubt they’ll get any more respect than I did. I lost my place there myself. It was nobodies fault but my own and I think I need a chance to do something more interesting. I wish I knew what I can do that would be fun and meaningful. And pay enough to support my habit of making sure my friend and his dog eats as well as my cats and I.

We’ve been buddies for four years and I love him a lot, as a friend. I don’t want to mess that up asking him for more. What we have is nice enough and if someone comes into my life and can’t tolerate his place in it, well then there’s no place for that person. I’m done with placating jealous men. Love doesn’t have to be divided it grows big enough for everybody to share.  I hope I have good news the next time I write.

WTH?

So it’s my day off, I’m home alone, single again. Seven days ago I was with a man I loved and was all but certain he loved me too. The thing that I did wrong was tell him I loved him. Also I had my friend bring me to his place which turned him from this abstract thought of who I was spending time with to a real man I was spending time with. My friend is more than just a friend,  but it’s more that we’re like family than anything else. I think he’s attractive, but then I think Sean Connery and Johnny Depp are attractive too, and what has that got to do with the price of rice? So all week it’s been this text message break up, because he crossed so many lines that he might not have if we’d been arguing face to face, but I’ve had enough of overcontrolling dominating men who aren’t secure enough to let me keep my friends. The Spice Girls had a point, if you want to love someone you should at least try to tolerate the friends they already love, not try to isolate them so they are totally dependent on you. That’s just a sick way to live, let alone hardly loving. I lost my favorite pillows and the best kisses I’ve had in a while, but now I need to move on. I’ve learned a few things and I think I can benefit from some me time, I’ve been neglecting my own place and it’s past time to stop that. I’ll miss him and I wish I could have fought to keep him, but it takes two to make things right between two people and he never let that happen.

cell phone blogging

This is a brave new world, my internet access is now limited to this little smart phone in my hands. I like it so much I’ve bought another, so I can go straight talk. I’m not any where out of the woods. Right now I’ve just messed up just about everything, but I’m hanging on.

Time to move ahead

We are four weeks into the new crop year at  RDO, summer is being given its unofficial farewell with this Labor day weekend. It hasn’t felt much like summer for a while, August just didn’t come through with the heat like it usually does, though I got a little taste of it when I was in Texas. My friend , Andy paid my way to fly down and spend a week with him, I was very happy to do that. We have been internet friends for about seven years, and being able to spend time together finally was awfully fun. Kevin brought me down to my sister’s and she got me to the airport via the train and light rail, I was prepared to spend the day at the airport waiting until the 7pm flight to KC and on to Love Field in Dallas, but  it turned into an 11 pm flight, so it was the wee hours on Wednesday before I got to see Andy. I wish I had been  more strong and able to walk better, my knees didn’t cooperate with me though. on the way home my friend James offered to pick me up from the airport and  even took me out  for curry, It was good to visit with him and  we directed Kevin to his house by cellphone. It was fun to watch him  come down the street while I  was telling him to turn at the next right. I was sort of afraid the drive home would be bad , but it turned out fine and I had one day to recover from the trip before  work started. That first day was maddening, but I survived and  while I am back in the wet end trimming spuds, things have been okay

.Not that I am totally  happy with work, there has been entirely too much overtime this past week, I put in 72 hours in seven days, that was four 12 hr  shifts and one unscheduled day. the only thing good about that is it means i should be able to catch up on bills from the tree week lay off. And tomorrow is a paid holiday, still they don’t pay me enough for me to want to give up my personal time, and I was getting terribly tired, which usually means i am apt to come down with something.So far  i seem to be doing okay except for  pain in my hips and thighs that  kept me waking up all night. that could be from the icky weather as much as anything though, I really want to just hibernate and I can! I sent five cats outside this morning, Bob is always out and  just Ninja and his momma are inside. Ninja is sort of stand offish but not as stand offish as his momma, she is the most standoffish cat I have ever known, you are almost never allowed to touch her highness, she does reserve the right to come watch you, but don’t even think about  petting. Still she is staying around here even when she goes outside, unlike her sister who took off the first time she was out and  has never been seen again. She was a terribly unhappy kitty though, she didn’t have any baby kittens and she hated that. She would beat up the kittens that weren’t hers just because they weren’t hers I guess. Her sister had her four and adopted the two that were left over from the litter Bob’s girlfriend had. We gave three of those kittens away and let Bob’s girlfriend go back home, but I am not sure they welcomed her back and she had a second litter of kittens under my lawn shed, six of them. They almost all looked like Button. Black and white with white whiskers and almost all boys, but they  are someplace else now and good thing too as they would have mace 15 cats to feed and i can’t do that.Bad enough i have the 8 and Fluffy( the girlfriend) part time. I am rambling on and I am feeling like hibernation would be  a good thing, maybe I’ll be back sooner next time.

Thanks for the memories 2013 part 2

One of the fun things that happened the summer of 2013 was the company picnic, I took my ex husband and his wife, and I entered a peanut butter cup cheesecake in the baking contest. I won! I had been thinking about that  recipe for about a year and it turned out “to die for” I wore my tan and white pants and a white top and my white and tan broad brimmed hat, it got my picture taken. I felt pretty happy that day, even though it had been just  a few days since I told Joe he had to go away.  That was when I  started thinking  Kevin and I  should be getting better acquainted. 

My friend Jahred had a party celebrating his new campgrounds and his mom’s birthday. he asked me to dress up like Miss Kitty and bake a certain cake, chocolate stout cake. I got the tent back from Jon and took it , some booze a table and chairs  my inflatable mattress and bedding and clothes and what have you to the party  with the cake and a peanut  butter cup cheese cake that was not  quite exactly like the one that won, because someone had taken the peanut butter I was sure I had in the pantry. That sort of thing happened quite a lot that fall  I can’t prove anything, but I have a good idea who did it. Jahred was a good friend of my friend George and his widower Ken, who had let my ex, Joe, move in and help out, so I saw Joe at the party and we managed not to be too ugly  about anything, though when I asked  Joe for some of the water I knew he had, he poured some on me while he was giving me  a drink. It was so hot that day  it felt great! Ken and I went on a drive to try to find my friend Leroy and bring him to the party, but he wasn’t home, and then Ken was overwhelmed by the heat and the beer and Joe was so sweet helping him home, I was kind of touched, but not enough to change my mind about the whole thing. Later Kevin and his buddies Neil and Nate and Neil’s little boy Levi showed up, they stayed a while and drank my wine coolers and stuff and Nate got wierded out because most of the guests were gay men.  I got silly ass drunk but I didn’t get falling down drunk, I managed to always make it to the next tree and to the out house and my tent. Kevin left earlier then I wanted him too, but he’d already told me  he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, I consider that  a terrible mistake on his part, but we are best friends so it is okay. 

Fall was warm and promising, until Kevin went away( that is his story to tell, not mine)  I did what I could to make sure I saw him as much as I could, but I also went to a concert Eddie Kidd and Scarlet  Empire played over near Pelican Rapids.  it was a longer drive then I had been on for a while but the trip was worth it. I spent  most of the evening writing to Kevin though.  fall went by fast with me  working  a few extra 3 to 3’s so I could make it to visitation days. I did pretty good until one day towards the end of November. I felt a bit down that day , it was really hard to keep warm, I just got to the jail in time and back to the Tv to talk to Kevin, when I  got really ill and had to rush to the bathroom to throw up. the jailers asked me if I was okay, I thought I was, that I just needed to sleep it off. I didn’t even realize  my leg was sore. I went home and talked to  my friend Ron, and called in sick. I was so sick I didn’t even take off my hoodie when I got in bed, sometime during the night i  discovered the cellulitis, and I knew I was in trouble. I had been sick like this before and rest had helped, but  not this time. I eventually called  for an ambulance and managed to get some jeans on and shoes and I  walked down the steps to the gurney, but  I was pretty out of it. When I got to the ER  they had me get a chest Xray and I had to stand up for that, but they had a tough time getting an Iv in me and I was septic and they told me then I would be admitted into the hospital and would probably be in for at least four or five days.

It turned out to be eleven days and six different IV sites and a pic line for three different IV antibiotics before they  let me out. It was awfully like being on vacation though, I had real nice nurses and room service food and except for the shots and the 5 am lab technicians drawing blood every morning and the respitory therapy and having to get out of bed and walk with the IV pole, I had a real nice time considering. They turned me loose Thanksgiving day, Scott Forsberg gave me a ride home with a stop at the Methodist church to get  some thanksgiving dinner, my family was at my sister’s in St Cloud or at my nephew’s in Missouri and both places were too far to drive. i did  get to drive my own car to see Kevin that night and to the hospital for some more Iv antibiotics the next four days. I had the pic line removed and went back to work, for one day, but I had a flare up and went back to the clinic and was given a sulfa drug for ten days to finish off the infection, Luckily  I had no bad reactions to that drug and I have been okay for a while.

Christmas was a bit of a blur my mom decided not to host it next year, but I don’t know if she’ll remember  that when Christmas comes around this year. New year’s Eve I went out with my ex sister in law and her new sister in law.m Oh my  but it was sort of fun. 

 

 

Thanks for the memories, 2013-part 1

I am looking forward to this new year, for the simple reason 2013 was such a tumultuous year. I’d lost my dad the previous fall and we were facing all those first year with out dad events. I’d had a bout of cellulitis just before he passed away and that had me nervous. It was so cold where I worked and we seemed to always have tarps draped  over the machinery  to prevent drips from the ceiling reaching the product, it felt like working under a tent. Anyway I had a day when I thought I was getting a cellulitis infection on my face and made a doctor’s appointment, it turned out to be nothing but the PA  asked me about my goiter and about not having had a check up for a while, well that started the whole theme of my year.  I saw the surgeon about getting my goiter removed, had my check up and a colonoscopy and a mammogram and while I was under sedation they did a fine needle biopsy of my goiter, because the first ultrasound turned up a nodule, that was  a benign thing. The colonoscopy was also fairly routine but I have to have my next in three years.

While I was in the middle of preparing for surgery my best friend, George Willenbring  died. It was a surprise but not really a shock. He had been sort of reducing his life, he hardly did anything but smoke cigarettes and drink in his house. He hadn’t seemed like himself in a while, but he was only 46, His family gave him a good send off and his partner Ken,  discovered how deeply he had depended on and loved George, George would have been  surprised  by how many of his family came to say  goodbye to him.

while I was in the hospital for the surgery they found out I have a tendency to stop breathing long enough to affect my heartbeat, I should have had a sleep study for  sleep apnea, but I am resistant, I can’t imagine being able to tolerate a sleep mask and that  kind of noise while I am sleeping. Anyway that lead to consulting a cardiologist and getting a cardiac stress test and seeing a second cardiologist who said I don’t need a pacemaker just yet. The stress test showed some abnormalities but small enough ones that  are not requiring any drastic measures, I am taking generic Lipitor which has put my cholesterol into a better range, and I am on blood pressure meds too.  The surgery was  April 15th, my live in guy drove me in his truck,we were having yet another snow storm. Spring was delayed last year, That was about the last time we had anything close to a civil existence. 

Spring finally came, but  my relationship with Joe was clearly not working, my financial situation was stressful, something had to give , and what with one thing and another, Joe had to go, he moved in with Ken. I am not proud of how I  did that, but it sort of worked. That was in July, about the same time my friend Scott was having his own relationship troubles, one day he called  me  telling me his fiancee had left him. I have been his shoulder to cry on  ever since, it was an eye opening thing to go through , because talking with him was taking me back to the place I had been six years earlier when my marriage ended. I thought I had dealt with all that, but I had a few more tears to cry. Joe took just about as much time as he could moving his stuff out, he still has a bunch o stuff here, six months later. Meanwhile  I had  another thing happening, I was falling in love with someone, someone I knew from work. He was the voice of reason in my life, between the stuff with  Joe and the stuff with Scott and the other stuff with my ex husband Jon( he had an even worse year than me, he and his wife even partly kiddingly asked if they  could move in with me!!!!) Kevin kept me sane. 

I told him I was interested, I was so scared we’d  mess up the friendship it took me  a while to do that, I don’t think he was at all surprised, but with one thing and another we muddled through to an interesting place. We are able to talk about  anything, We had fun together, but he had a thing  hanging over his head. I knew about it sort of but I wasn’t really prepared for it when it  hit him. It was a legal issue and he ended up going to jail, directly to jail. I had a bit of trouble finding that  out, he’d brought his cats over to my house, just in case, but he’d expected that if he did get sentenced to jail he’d have a day or so to make arrangements, he was wrong. When I found out I  did what I could to get him  out on work release, only to have  him fired the same day, I have never felt so dreadful in my life, but again he helped me stay sane. I started visiting him and I have been able to return the favor. he will  be out in a couple of weeks and  he is one of the biggest reasons I am looking forward to this new year. I do not know  if we are going to be in a romantic relationship or are just going to be good friends, but we do love each other and that is a precious thing. He  has been learning things about himself in jail and life is going to be changing drastically  for him one way or another when he gets out. I am  hoping to be able to help him find that new  life, maybe it will be one I can share.

Merry Christmas

It  isn’t, not too merry anyway. I just couldn’t get into the whole hustle and bustle  you have to do to pull a real Christmas off. Maybe next year will be better. I wish  comfort and Joy to all, but for myself I’ll be staying quiet and shy. Maybe  by New Year’s I’ll be  in a more suitably festive mood.

stuff happens

Today I saw the rain falling down in the sunshine, It was beautiful and I am grateful it was just rain. I have seen hail this week and I am glad it wasn’t too big or too plentiful. My SO has a lovely little garden growing and it is never fun to see a pretty garden mashed to pieces by hail. I often say if you live in Minnesota , you have to be able to take a joke, because the weather here can be pretty funny.

My mom told me she wants to be the one telling the world( Facebook) about my dad. I wanted to tell her I have the right to tell my friends what is going on with me, but I didn’t and won’t. Still it upsets me, just not enough to want to make her burden greater. It is strange to be saying things about my life here where anyone can see them, but I’m sure I won’t be saying everything I could say.

I am reading A mighty Fortress,, by David Weber. This isn’t the first time or even the third, probably, but it is such a good story and such a detailed one I am still having fun. I have been aware that reading is a creative act for some time and noticed a long time ago how I was feeling changed my perceptions of what I read. I read in different styles, too, sometimes I skim quickly through pages to see what is happening, sometimes i read each word slowly to see where and why it is happening. Some authors seem to be better at giving me stories that I can return to over and over again.than others. They tend to be my favorites and I am especially grateful when those authors really write a lot. Weber definitely writes a lot! So does Terry Pratchett.. I give terry Pratchett credit for getting me through some tough times.

It was about ten years ago, we’d given up trying to pay two and a half mortgages, and sold our little house on Deer Lake just as the foreclosure would have happened. I don’t think my ex realizes to this day how close he was to being able to keep that house. Basically he could have spent about one more hour at home rather that go to the casino. I also think I could have done more to stop him from having put us in the position of paying two and a half mortgages, i just haven’t really been able to pinpoint what that could have been. He once asked me how i knew his family members were going to screw us over, i just shook my head and told him i read in the bible that the first pair of brothers pissed each other off so much that the one killed the other, and that I have heard many many times that family members are more likely than others to take advantage. It wasn’t that I had KNOWN, but that I hadn’t wanted to be in the place where I was subject to even the possibility that they could screw us over.

This was when I rediscovered Terry Pratchett, via Robert Lynn Aspirin. he had a new book that mentioned the Harry Potter books and the fact that he preferred Terry Pratchett’s wizards from Discworld. that struck a chord with me. I remembered a couple of books I’d read a few years earlier that had a great space going turtle carrying elephants and a magic world. So I started looking for Discworld and i found it! It wasn’t long after I started my job that I began buying the newly re-released paperbacks. Having something to laugh about made me less likely to cry about the mess my life was in.

Inaugural post

I probably won’t be using this to put widgets and embeds or pretty pictures. I will write, and if people find this and read it and want to say something to me, that will be good or bad, as it will. 

Anyway, here goes- I am a semi single woman, 52 years old. I say semi single  because a year and a half ago a guy moved into my  house. I think he’d been kicked out of his previous home, and he was sort of desperate for a roof over his head. We live in Minnesota and it was January after all. My place was bordering on burying me alive with the mess i’d accumulated in the past six years for one reason or another and I was ready to get any kind of help I could get and he was cute and seemed to sort of like me. It didn’t take long for me to be overwhelmed by his enthusiastic approach to clearing my mess and  lots of things I would never have thrown out, eventually I found myself almost unrepresented in my  own house and I blew up at the guy. It  has happened fairly often since and sometimes he talks me out of it and sometimes I  just give in to his depression, he goes to bed and stays there for days when he has a set back that scares him, at least  that  is how I perceive it.

I say if I was the man and he was the  woman, people would be so impressed with him and how well he keeps my place and would tell me how lucky I was to have “her” Instead  almost everyone advises me to kick him out, tells me I can’t support him. The  problem is we aren’t lovers, we have been, but what  he wants is different from  what i want, and I am  probably  not really attractive to him. I am not a pretty woman, I am overweight to the point of obesity and plain featured with graying hair, that is plain brown and frizzy. A friend once stared at me and said I don’t have one unpleasant feature, but I do know I am not pretty. my face is flat and I have a goiter that the double chin doesn’t hide. still when I smile people usually smile back and I have my good points. It is just that they point in different directions than is fashionable.

so here I am  lonely for the touch of another person with a man I love on more than one level in the room at the end of the hall, I’d like to be able to talk to him when I want to talk but that only happens when he is wanting to talk. I’d like to be able to touch him  but he will squirm away as if I have cooties sometimes and so I seldom try. He watches sports on the TV in the livingroom, I don’t mind so much that I can’t watch TV  but I sometimes want to scream from having to listen to the sheer noise of the sports shows. I get very very little pleasure watching sports, and the roar of the crowd is unpleasant to my ears, I sometimes can convince him to watch in his room, but not always. This doesn’t go far towards me wanting to keep him around . But then the days happen when we have a nice time together and I look at the lovely place he has made from my weedy yard, and I want this arrangement to be always, only just a bit different. I’m not holding my breath though.